


In Which Shane is A Fuckin' Demon, Big Surprise There

by WoozleBucket



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Demons, Ghosts, I hopped on the bandwagon, Shane is a demon, no ships, unless you squint, who'da thunk?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 06:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12978570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoozleBucket/pseuds/WoozleBucket
Summary: Here’s the thing about being a literal demon: you can’t let anyone know that you’re a literal demon. You especially can’t let your jumpy best friend know that you’re a literal demon. He has a gun.So, in the case of Shane the Terribly-Named Demon, he can’t do anything. At all. Literally nothing.





	In Which Shane is A Fuckin' Demon, Big Surprise There

**Author's Note:**

> I hopped on the bandwagon. Welp.

Here’s the thing about being a literal demon: you can’t let anyone know that you’re a literal demon. You especially can’t let your jumpy best friend know that you’re a literal demon. He has a gun. 

So, in the case of Shane the Terribly-Named Demon, he can’t do anything. At all. Literally nothing. He bemoans his fate at every possible opportunity. 

“Have you eaten a soul?” he asks the ghost. The ghost is probably brain-dead (heh) by now, old and faded with a rather impressive mustache and beard and a pitchfork sticking out of his big stomach. 

The ghost says nothing and continues staring at the wall. Shane is honestly surprised that the ghost hasn’t run off to bother Ryan by now. Must be dumber than usual, then. 

“Yeah, well, me neither,” Shane continues. He looks around the old cell and settles his gaze on the camera set up in the corner. The ghost drifts in front of it and seems to sigh. 

He hasn’t eaten a soul. Not recently, anyway. Ryan’s is too bright and would probably give him heartburn for days. Besides, he can just eat the ghosts if they get too annoying or if they give them too much grief. 

The ghost blinks and Shane sighs and stands up with a moan. He stretches, the ghost drifts in front of the door, and both of them leave together. Ryan’s standing on the other side, spirit box in hand, looking as nervous as ever. Shane really wishes that he would just stop it. It riles up the ghosts and gives him a headache. 

Shane nods at Ryan and, as soon as his back is turned, tilts his head slightly towards the cell. The ghost sighs again and hurries through it before the door closes all the way. 

“Uh, hi,” Ryan starts, and Shane can tell that he’s getting the box ready. He leans against the wall and shakes his head. 

-

The ghost followed them back to L.A. Nice ghost, really, but why did he have to bunk up in Shane’s apartment? 

“Well, damn, you could’ve said something!” Shane says upon seeing the smashed plate on his floor two weeks into their ‘arrangement’. The ghost just shrugs and drifts towards the window. By this point, the ghost’s name is Spookums and he apparently hates dishes because this is the fourth dish in as many days. He’s probably just bored.

Spooky he says, texting Ryan a picture of the deceased dish. Ryan immediately texts back with at least seventeen exclamation points, and Shane grins to himself. 

“Hey, Spookums!” he calls. The ghost stops and turns around. “You want to haunt my friend?”

The ghost shrugs and drifts towards the front door, and if he was stepping, he’d definitely be pepping. 

-

_SHANE THERES A GHOST IN MY APARTMENT_

Shane looks at his phone, up at Spookums, who’s in the kitchen probably about to smash another plate, and back at his phone. 

“That isn’t you, right?” he asks. Spookums floats into the room and settles down next to him on the couch. And he shakes his head, and Shane sighs and drops his phone back onto his lap. 

See, Spookums has a part-time agreement. Half of the week he’s at Shane’s breaking various cutlery items, and the other half of the week he’s at Ryan’s turning on Hee-Haw instead of whatever sports things Ryan watches all day. And it’s currently Shane’s half. So that isn’t Spookums at Ryan’s apartment. 

_IM SERIOUS IT JUST BROKE MY MIRROR DUDE HELP_

Shane stands up and groans. Spookums follows suit and ghosts his pitchfork right through Shane’s ass. Again. 

“I could eat you,” he says, turning to face him. Spookums shrugs again and drifts back into the kitchen. 

As Shane leaves five minutes later, he stops and flinches at the sound of glass shattering. 

-

“Demon man, get rid of this ghost,” Ryan says as soon as he opens the door. Shane pauses, and Ryan rolls his eyes and opens the door wider so that he can come in. “You’re literally a demon, dude.”

“Well, yeah,” Shane says, moving his arm and ducking his head slightly and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Yeah?” Ryan says. “Well, get in here and get rid of this ghost.”

Shane sighs and walks into the apartment, stopping short as a ghostly sword tears into his chest. It doesn’t do anything, of course, but it still tickles. He looks up at the ghost and it’s a pirate. It’s a fucking pirate ghost, and Shane hasn’t been this happy in years. The ghost scowls and swipes his sword again, and again, and again. 

“Well?” Shane hears Ryan ask, and he’s probably doing the thing. The thing being his arms being crossed, or the other thing. The other thing being him cowering in fear in the corner, screaming and crying for the ghosties to go. 

“Hold on,” he grins, laughing a little because, damnit, his heart’s ticklish. The pirate pulls his sword out and raises it high, and it knocks a lamp over on its way. The sword swings down, and it cuts down the middle of his body, stopping right above his groinal area. And it still tickles. He turns his head to find Ryan, and Ryan is doing the first thing, unfortunately. The other would’ve been way funnier. “Does the ghost have a name?”

“I don’t know!” Ryan says, and his voice cracks slightly. There’s the Ryan Shane knows and likes. “Uh, Ricky!”

This ghost is not the ghost of ‘Ricky’. ‘Ricky’ is probably that conman that Ryan came up with in an episode once. But it’ll work. 

“Ricky the ghost!” Shane announces, turning back to face the ghost. ‘Ricky’ looks at him and continues stabbing him. “Go away! This human’s mine!”

“Excuse me?” Ryan asks, laughing slightly. ‘Ricky’ glares, and, welp, this isn’t doing anything. So Shane clears his throat and grins even wider, too wide, letting his glamour fade slightly. His regular teeth come through, and ‘Ricky’ drops his sword and vanishes. 

“All gone!” Shane says, going back to ‘normal’. He turns around to face Ryan, who is staring at the remains of his lamp. His oh-so-precious lamp. 

“Good,” Ryan says. He bends down to set his lamp back up. “I filmed the whole thing.”

Shane stiffens and looks around, wishing that Spookums was here. Spookums is good at ruining things. 

“Proof,” Ryan continues. Shane looks around for the camera and can’t see it anywhere. 

“Spookums is going to haunt your ass,” he says. Ryan tenses.

-

Spookums haunts Ryan’s ass.

**Author's Note:**

> BFU blog: @consumetheorbs
> 
> Main: @ohnomypeas


End file.
